Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.
I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.
Here is the film rating system we really need:
Rated A for An Animal is Harmed
As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.
Rated B for British Accent Faked by American
I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.
Rated C for Creepy Child Singing
You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.
Rated D for Dialog by Committee
“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”
Rated E for Escape in front of Fireball
You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.
Rated F for Fun Filled Frolic
If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.
Rated G for Grab My Hand
Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!
Rated H for Hearts Pulled Out
A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.
Rated I for Italian Stallion
Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.
Rated J for Jim Carrey
I need advanced notice so I can start running.
Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 Clicks
Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?
Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance
Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.
Rated M for Motiveless Villain
“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”
Rated N for Natives
Noble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.
Rated O for Overly Patriotic
If your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.
Rated P for Al Pacino Yelling
Rated R for Remake of a Better Film
Tempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!
Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality
Star Trek movies get a free pass.
Rated T for T&A
If this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.
Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack
Oh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.
Rated V for Star Vehicle
AKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment
Rated W for Woody Allen as romantic lead
It’s time to stop.
Rated X for XENU-sponsored script
(SKIPPING Y and…)
Rated Z for ZOMBIES!