Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.
I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.
Here is the film rating system we really need:
As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.
I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.
You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.
“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”
You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.
If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.
Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!
A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.
Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.
I need advanced notice so I can start running.
Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?
Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.
“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”
Noble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.
If your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.
Tempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!
Star Trek movies get a free pass.
If this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.
Oh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.
AKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment
It’s time to stop.
(SKIPPING Y and…)