Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.

I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.

Here is the film rating system we really need:

a.png Rated A for An Animal is Harmed

As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.

b.png Rated B for British Accent Faked by American

I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.

c.png Rated C for Creepy Child Singing

You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.

d.pngRated D for Dialog by Committee

“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”

e.png Rated E for Escape in front of Fireball

You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.

f1.png Rated F for Fun Filled Frolic

If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.

g.png Rated G for Grab My Hand

Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!

h1.png Rated H for Hearts Pulled Out

A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.

i.png Rated I for Italian Stallion

Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.

j.png Rated J for Jim Carrey

I need advanced notice so I can start running.

Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 Clicks

Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?

l.png Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance

Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.

m.png Rated M for Motiveless Villain

“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”

n.png Rated N for Natives

Noble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.

o.png Rated O for Overly Patriotic

If your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.

p.png Rated P for Al Pacino Yelling

ARRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(SKIPPING Q)

r.png Rated R for Remake of a Better Film

Tempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!

s.png Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality

Star Trek movies get a free pass.

t.png Rated T for T&A

If this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.

u.png Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack

Oh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.

v.png Rated V for Star Vehicle

AKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment

w.png Rated W for Woody Allen as romantic lead

It’s time to stop.

x.png Rated X for XENU-sponsored script

(SKIPPING Y and…)

z.png Rated Z for ZOMBIES!

EEK.