Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.
I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.
Here is the film rating system we really need:
Rated A for An Animal is HarmedAs far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.
Rated B for British Accent Faked by AmericanI’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.
Rated C for Creepy Child SingingYou know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.
Rated D for Dialog by Committee“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”
Rated E for Escape in front of FireballYou know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.
Rated F for Fun Filled FrolicIf a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.
Rated G for Grab My HandOh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!
Rated H for Hearts Pulled OutA little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.
Rated I for Italian StallionDoes this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.
Rated J for Jim CarreyI need advanced notice so I can start running.
Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 ClicksDid you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?
Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life RomanceReal-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.
Rated M for Motiveless Villain“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”
Rated N for NativesNoble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.
Rated O for Overly PatrioticIf your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.
Rated P for Al Pacino YellingARRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
(SKIPPING Q)
Rated R for Remake of a Better FilmTempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!
Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ RealityStar Trek movies get a free pass.
Rated T for T&AIf this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.
Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s SoundtrackOh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.
Rated V for Star VehicleAKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment
Rated W for Woody Allen as romantic leadIt’s time to stop.
Rated X for XENU-sponsored script(SKIPPING Y and…)
Rated Z for ZOMBIES!EEK.
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Rated T, or does this merit an entirely new category?
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Q for handheld camerawork.
It makes some of us queasy. It shows up without warning. Sad to have to make an early exit from Exit Through the Gift Shop.