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The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System

Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.

I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.

Here is the film rating system we really need:

a.png Rated A for An Animal is Harmed

As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.

b.png Rated B for British Accent Faked by American

I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.

c.png Rated C for Creepy Child Singing

You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.

d.pngRated D for Dialog by Committee

“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”

e.png Rated E for Escape in front of Fireball

You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.

f1.png Rated F for Fun Filled Frolic

If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.

g.png Rated G for Grab My Hand

Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!

h1.png Rated H for Hearts Pulled Out

A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.

i.png Rated I for Italian Stallion

Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.

j.png Rated J for Jim Carrey

I need advanced notice so I can start running.

Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 Clicks

Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?

l.png Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance

Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.

m.png Rated M for Motiveless Villain

“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”

n.png Rated N for Natives

Noble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.

o.png Rated O for Overly Patriotic

If your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.

p.png Rated P for Al Pacino Yelling

ARRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(SKIPPING Q)

r.png Rated R for Remake of a Better Film

Tempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!

s.png Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality

Star Trek movies get a free pass.

t.png Rated T for T&A

If this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.

u.png Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack

Oh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.

v.png Rated V for Star Vehicle

AKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment

w.png Rated W for Woody Allen as romantic lead

It’s time to stop.

x.png Rated X for XENU-sponsored script

(SKIPPING Y and…)

z.png Rated Z for ZOMBIES!

EEK.

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Me, bouncing around onstage at an O’Reilly Conference

Above is a photo of me undergoing a brief moment of Muppetface onstage. Last week I spoke at OSCON Ignite, the evening entertainment bit of the O’Reilly Open Source Conference and the Google Awards.

Talks took the traditional Ignite format of five minutes, 20 slides. Slides auto-advance after 15 seconds, ready or not.

Speakers were encouraged to address their personal brand of geekery. I chose to talk about the Librarian Avengers Film Rating System, which addresses some movie metadata I’d like to see. Things like “This film contains a Creepy child Singing” and “Warning! Sylvester Stallone!”

OSCON Ignite is online at blip.tv here

My bit starts around (44:45), but stick around for the whole thing. Make sure to check out Kirrily’s talk on Geeky Things you can Do with Textiles, and Liz Henry talking about the barriers to wheelchair hacking.

The format kept everyone pithy, and although I had to speak before the amazing Damian Conway, I didn’t throw up from stage fright once!

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New Rating System in effect

I went to see Children of Men today, which was fantastic, disturbing, hopeful, and cautionary. I cried a bit, but left not resenting the movie for making me sad.

Beforehand, we saw four trailers which ALL fell into the new Librarian Avengers Film Rating System. There was a Creepy Child Singing, Two Overly Patriotics, and a Jim
Carrey.

Beware.

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Rated B for Bad: The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System

Update: There is an updated version of the Librarian Avengers Film Rating System!

Movie ratings suck. “Rated R” doesn’t tell me anything I need to know.
I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.

I need a rating system that reflects the diversity of obstacles lurking in today’s cinema. Introducing…

The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System
a.png Rated A for Animal Gets Hurt
b.png Rated B for British Accent Faked by American
Rated C for Creepy Child Singing
d.png Rated D for Dialog Written by Committee
e.png Rated E for Escape-in-front-of-a-fireball
f1.png Rated F for Fun-filled Frolic for the Family
g.png Rated G for Grab-my-hand!
h1.png Rated H for Heads chopped off/Hearts pulled out
i.png Rated I for Italian Stallion
j.png Rated J for Jim Carrey
Rated K for Keyboard hacks Pentagon in two clicks
l.png Rated L for Lead Actors involved in Real-Life Romance rendering film unwatchable
m.png Rated M for Motiveless Villain
n.png Rated N for Natives
o.png Rated O for Overly Patriotic
p.png Rated P for Pacino Yelling
r.png Rated R for Remake of a Better Film
s.png Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality
t.png Rated T for T&A
u.png Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack
v.png Rated V for Vehicle
w.png Rated W for Woody Allen as Romantic Lead
x.png Rated X for Xenu-Sponsored Script
z.png Rated Z for Zombies

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Desk Set

lady librarians from desk setDid you know that Katherine Hepburn and Spenser Tracey were in a Librarian movie together? Did you even know there were librarian movies? It’s called Desk Set, and we’re about halfway through watching it.

Desk Set somewhat unintentionally gives an interesting window into professional life for women in the late 1950’s. Apparently it involved lots of sexual harassment, patronization, and powerlessness. Oh, and trivia questions. Which is pretty cool.

We spend about ten minutes listening to Katherine Hepburn show off her black belt in historical and literary fact before her boyfriend (also her boss) lovingly tells her how stupid she is. In spite of the anachronisms, Hepburn’s character exudes competence, and it’s wonderful to watch a woman on film being unabashedly smart.

Like most pre-1980’s movies, it’s long and kind of slow. We got a bit bored, and will probably finish it later tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing the IBM “electronic brain” that is supposed to replace the reference department. I suspect it will involve lots of reel-to-reel tapes, blinking lights, and miraculous natural language processors.

Stay tuned.

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