Category: Film

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The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System

Dear Film industry: Your metadata is not granular enough. The MPIAA ratings G, PG, PG-13, and R do not fulfill my needs.

I need information relevant to my particular disinterests. I need to know ahead of time if a movie contains elements that I consider unacceptable. I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or violence. I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.

Here is the film rating system we really need:

a.png Rated A for An Animal is Harmed

As far as I’m concerned, decapitated human heads can roll across the screen but if a Golden Retriever gets a hurty paw you had better warn me up front.

b.png Rated B for British Accent Faked by American

I’m looking at you, Andie MacDowell.

c.png Rated C for Creepy Child Singing

You know things are going to get bad when a little girl starts pushing flowers around and singing quietly to herself.

d.pngRated D for Dialog by Committee

“Oh aspiring teen heart-throb, I am attracted to your emergent yet non-threatening sexuality!”

e.png Rated E for Escape in front of Fireball

You know that scene in every action movie ever where the actors run very fast from some sort of physics phenomenon which approaches at exactly running speed? Rated E.

f1.png Rated F for Fun Filled Frolic

If a review or worse the movie poster itself describes a “fun filled frolic for the whole family”, Flee.

g.png Rated G for Grab My Hand

Oh no, that character is falling off a building! Grab my hand! DON’T LET GO!

h1.png Rated H for Hearts Pulled Out

A little warning before the monkey brains is all I ask.

i.png Rated I for Italian Stallion

Does this film contain excessive amounts of Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey? Librarian Avengers have determined that it will be Rated I or J.

j.png Rated J for Jim Carrey

I need advanced notice so I can start running.

Rated K for Keyboard Hacks Network in 2 Clicks

Did you know space aliens use Mac peripheral drivers?

l.png Rated L for Lead Actors in Real-Life Romance

Real-life chemistry rarely translates well to the big screen.

m.png Rated M for Motiveless Villain

“Hello! I AM EVIL! BECAUSE OF THE REASON!”

n.png Rated N for Natives

Noble Savages. Nubian Racist Constructs. Na’vi.

o.png Rated O for Overly Patriotic

If your eye-rolling is in any way disruptive to others, please note that this film has been Rated O.

p.png Rated P for Al Pacino Yelling

ARRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(SKIPPING Q)

r.png Rated R for Remake of a Better Film

Tempted by Tarentino? Try Kurosawa!

s.png Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality

Star Trek movies get a free pass.

t.png Rated T for T&A

If this film is intended as a star vehicle for >1 former Playboy centerfolds, it should be Rated T.

u.png Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack

Oh, Ladyhawke. You are such a good movie with the sound turned off.

v.png Rated V for Star Vehicle

AKA: Nick Cage needs a yacht payment

w.png Rated W for Woody Allen as romantic lead

It’s time to stop.

x.png Rated X for XENU-sponsored script

(SKIPPING Y and…)

z.png Rated Z for ZOMBIES!

EEK.

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Me, bouncing around onstage at an O’Reilly Conference

Above is a photo of me undergoing a brief moment of Muppetface onstage. Last week I spoke at OSCON Ignite, the evening entertainment bit of the O’Reilly Open Source Conference and the Google Awards.

Talks took the traditional Ignite format of five minutes, 20 slides. Slides auto-advance after 15 seconds, ready or not.

Speakers were encouraged to address their personal brand of geekery. I chose to talk about the Librarian Avengers Film Rating System, which addresses some movie metadata I’d like to see. Things like “This film contains a Creepy child Singing” and “Warning! Sylvester Stallone!”

OSCON Ignite is online at blip.tv here

My bit starts around (44:45), but stick around for the whole thing. Make sure to check out Kirrily’s talk on Geeky Things you can Do with Textiles, and Liz Henry talking about the barriers to wheelchair hacking.

The format kept everyone pithy, and although I had to speak before the amazing Damian Conway, I didn’t throw up from stage fright once!

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New Rating System in effect

I went to see Children of Men today, which was fantastic, disturbing, hopeful, and cautionary. I cried a bit, but left not resenting the movie for making me sad.

Beforehand, we saw four trailers which ALL fell into the new Librarian Avengers Film Rating System. There was a Creepy Child Singing, Two Overly Patriotics, and a Jim
Carrey.

Beware.

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Rated B for Bad: The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System

Update: There is an updated version of the Librarian Avengers Film Rating System!

Movie ratings suck. “Rated R” doesn’t tell me anything I need to know.
I need to know if a movie contains cannibalism, synthesizers, or Jim Carrey.

I need a rating system that reflects the diversity of obstacles lurking in today’s cinema. Introducing…

The Librarian Avengers Film Rating System
a.png Rated A for Animal Gets Hurt
b.png Rated B for British Accent Faked by American
Rated C for Creepy Child Singing
d.png Rated D for Dialog Written by Committee
e.png Rated E for Escape-in-front-of-a-fireball
f1.png Rated F for Fun-filled Frolic for the Family
g.png Rated G for Grab-my-hand!
h1.png Rated H for Heads chopped off/Hearts pulled out
i.png Rated I for Italian Stallion
j.png Rated J for Jim Carrey
Rated K for Keyboard hacks Pentagon in two clicks
l.png Rated L for Lead Actors involved in Real-Life Romance rendering film unwatchable
m.png Rated M for Motiveless Villain
n.png Rated N for Natives
o.png Rated O for Overly Patriotic
p.png Rated P for Pacino Yelling
r.png Rated R for Remake of a Better Film
s.png Rated S for Scientific Content ≠ Reality
t.png Rated T for T&A
u.png Rated U for Un-ironic 80’s Soundtrack
v.png Rated V for Vehicle
w.png Rated W for Woody Allen as Romantic Lead
x.png Rated X for Xenu-Sponsored Script
z.png Rated Z for Zombies
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Four…

FOUR JOBS YOU’VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
Historical Reenactor (1800s)
Historical Reenactor (Renaissance)
Waitress/Bartender (Dublin)
Designed a website for a group of Butterfly Researchers

FOUR MOVIES YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER
The Quiet Man
A Room With a View
The Commitments
Standing in the Shadows of Motown

FOUR CITIES YOU’VE LIVED IN
Flint, MI
East Lansing, MI
Dublin, Ireland
Ithaca, NY

FOUR TV-SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
The I.T. Crowd
Veronica Mars
Father Ted
Colbert Report

FOUR PLACES YOU’VE BEEN ON VACATION
Budapest, Hungary
Ada, Oklahoma
Belfast, Northern Ireland
Shepherdstown, West Virginia

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT OFTEN
Popgadget
Mimi Smartypants
Lifehacker
Cute Overload

FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS
Fried wontons from the Cantonese Gourmet in Flint, MI
Anything from the Earthen Jar in Ann Arbor, MI
Obnoxious cheese
Beer

FOUR PLACES YOU’D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
Frank’s in Ann Arbor for Sunday breakfast, the newspaper, and friends
Sailboat in Georgian Bay, Ontario, getting sunburned and listening to the radio
In bed with the cat on my chest
In a canoe on Town Lake in Austin, TX with water moccasins

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Librarian vs. influenza: day you have got to be kidding

You guys rule. Thanks for the comments and updates. I’m still sick. Here’s some replies to the kind souls who wrote yesterday…

Carisse: Hook ’em horns! From what I hear, the philosophy department had one heck of a softball team.

nycejo.jpg Catrina: I totally agree. I’ve beendrinking pints of DeTox and Breathe Easy, with a side of Echinacia and Chamomile mint. Stupid Ralph left for the day, but his friend Vertiginous Vinnie stopped by this morning. Which means I’m typing this with my eyes closed as the keyboard spins rather disturbingly otherwise.

Cute Overload is the best. I refreshmonkey their feed regularly. Bunnies cure all.

Steve: Thanks! This flu is like a writing exercise. My lit professors always said that constraints catalyze creativity. I’d like to add that vomit volumizes verbosity.

Has your son experienced a traumatic event? His DVD behavior sounds like a cry for help. But then, I’m a girl. It could just be a call for boxing gloves and a little brother.

Meg: Eggs? Org. Perhaps I should rethink my question.

Seriously though, the new kitty nurses. Like, he sucks on things. Schlurp schlurp schlurp. He’s a big snoring baby with hairballs. Schlurp.

Also, hooray to your librarian destiny! Mine got beat up by my better-pay-as-a-user-advocate destiny. But librarianship is an identity, it’s larger than a single profession.

Linda: I have no idea what movie this is. The only thing I really miss by not having cable is the movie previews. Sometimes I remember to check the apple site, but mostly I just rely on word of mouth and Salon.com. This was good? I should watch it? Better than Ang Lee’s finest? Will I require insulin? Will they even play it here in the cinematic desert of Ithaca, NY?

All: My friend Kara has put up some of our photos from NYC and Paris on flickr if you wish to travel vicariously.

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Librarian vs. influenza: day six

Amid the body pain, sore throat, fever, and seal coughs, I’ve managed to keep myself entertained. Here’s how to beat a week-long flu using only a laptop, broadband, and some good over-the-counter drugs.

Web

  • South Park character maker Version Two. Yes, I said version two. spark2.pngWith even more hairstyles, weird hats, and weapons. Waste your holiday break the new-fashioned way!
  • Download obscure mp3s from emusic.com, a DRM-free site that gives away 50 free downloads to get you hooked. Quite successfully, I might add. They have the entire Alternative Tentacles catalog, so you no longer have to fill out the little form in the back of your Dead Kennedys cassette tape.
  • Facebook – Stalky stalky!
  • Shoe sale at Amazon.com. Ann Klein boots are 65% off. I’m powerless against low-priced yet stylish footware.
  • E-tarot cards. It’s so much more meaningful when you shuffle them with your mouse.
  • My dad’s blog (caution: ham radio geekery)

Print

  • New Universal – The latest comic by transmetropolitan genius Warren Ellis. The premise? In a slightly alternate world where Paul was killed instead of John and China owns the moon, individuals begin to spontaneously develop superpowers. Often with unhappy results.
  • White Oleander – I grabbed this from the library book sale because it wasbmag.png well-reviewed, and I enjoyed it despite my friend Kara’s warnings. She has a point, the characters can be less than sympathetic. Still, I enjoyed the book’s authentic voice, and the author’s willingness to describe a young woman’s reaction to desperation and loneliness.
  • Bitch Magazine – I’ve got a subscription. You should too. Give this to smart female patrons who haven’t yet tapped into the vibrant young feminist culture out there.

Video

  • Invader Zim – Find and watch this. Kill if you must.
  • The Tick – Mighty! I love Bi-Polar Bear.
  • Battlestar Galactica – There is good acting and directing here, if you don’t mind the occasional robot army and Deus ex machina. zim.pngHere’s a 44 minute recap to get caught up on the plot.
  • Thank you for Smoking – I haven’t watched this yet, but I’ve got the Netflix envelope sitting on the coffee table. I’ll letcha know.
  • Creature Comforts – Not sure if you know this or not but, the Wallace & Grommet folks have a show on the BBC called Creature Comforts. They interview people in Britain about random topics, and overlay their voices onto claymation animals. It’s rather wonderful.
  • Loose Change – an independently-produced video exploring many of the unanswered questions about the events of 9/11. An interesting topic, and less frothing than most. (warning: do not watch while taking cold medicine, as you will be especially vulnerable to sad footage and will probably need to stop the film several times to blow your nose and cry)

Realia

  • Cats – Preferably in a large pile, nesting around your head. Include one that doesn’t mind being used as a pillow.

    • benzydamine.png

  • French cold medicine. Seriously? This stuff is fun. I can see my house from here.
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Surge protectors for the L33t

Good design can make anything wonderful. Even something as dreary as surge protectors. I came across these in my e-travels.

surge1.pngBelkin Clamp-On Surge Protector
I do grow so weary of crawling under my desk every day and messing up my chic outfit. No, I’m not reenacting scenes from Secretary. I work in a digital library. Gordian knots of power cables are part of my life.

But checkitout: this surge protector has a clamp on it so you can attach it to your desk, or another convenient surface. Finally, I can unplug the router with dignity.

squid.jpgThe Power Squid is my friend. He is a squid-shaped surge protector. Instead of forcing you into unaccommodating rows, his noodely appendages absorb plugs of all shapes and sizes.

I plan on getting three of him: one for each office, and one for that damned outlet by the kitchen that only half-works, yet is so conveniently placed.

pwer.jpgThe Power Strip Liberator will save you from huge annoying black bricks that take over your power strip. Instead of letting those monsters take over three entire outlets, plug them into this doohickey and let ’em loom menacingly somewhere else.